“I feel very lonely, I didn’t have a single friend with whom I could talk, talk about my troubles, cry in a vest ... I started to move away from them at that moment when I met my future husband. I felt an unaccountable fear that one of them would beat my beloved man. To avoid this, I gradually got rid of friends who seemed to me to be competitors, partisans, and enemies.
When meetings could not be avoided, she vigilantly watched how they behaved, caught their eyes in the direction of my husband and tried to take him away faster. I stopped inviting them to visit and I didn’t go myself - so I didn’t have to politely call them to my house later. I stopped calling them, and they called me less and less. So I ended up in complete isolation. A nervous breakdown occurred after my husband left me. I had no one to share my pain and resentment against him with. What happened was what I was so afraid of - he went to another woman. ... I went to see a therapist - I had no other way to talk about overwhelming feelings. In the sessions, I recalled various episodes of my life. At some point, a memory came up in my memory: I was in a pioneer camp, my friend Vera had a friend, Misha, who I really liked, and I have a plan to repulse him.
And then everything fell into place! It turned out that, having matured, I began to ascribe my teenage desires and thoughts to friends. To admit the idea that I can be bad, dirty, unbearable. It was easier for me to imagine friends as separation women. I could not forgive them what I thought of as a teenager. I didn’t accept myself, I wanted to be good, positive, and it just didn’t occur to me that I could be bad. Now I am learning to accept myself and forgive my shortcomings, although this requires serious efforts from me. I hope I make friends. ” Elena, 43 years old
It is human nature to justify oneself, not to notice one’s shadow. He would rather see a speck in someone else's eye than a log in his own. But the paradox is that we look at the other and see in him, as in a mirror ... ourselves. More precisely, their own traits and qualities that we consider bad, negative. We just don’t want to admit it, we pretend that we have no such character traits. Everyone wants to see themselves as good, positive. And being in such a position complementary to oneself, sincerely forgiving and loving another is not possible. First you have to admit that we are also not perfect and capable of making mistakes, like the person who offended us.
It is very difficult to forgive another without awareness of the “root of evil” in oneself.
Sources of problems
In families where children are not shown their evil inclinations, character traits, but indulge in permissiveness, the child will not learn patience and forgiveness. He will irreconcilably demand more and more from the world. In families where the child is pulled literally for every little thing, he risks not only becoming related to guilty feelings for everything and everyone, but also stop discerning what is really good in him and what requires effort to be corrected. In families where parents feel infallible, they blame others for any problem, often their own child. Then he loses an important element of communication: reunion and closeness with others, after recognizing his mistake and, as a result, forgiveness. It is a proof of love. When parents do not show their love to the child, growing up, he himself will not be ready to forgive others because he was simply not taught this.
Feeling and mind
In the twentieth century, rationalism became widespread. The emphasis in upbringing and education was on teaching children to think: “Think with your head! Emotions - to the side! ” Bottom line: the world is often perceived from a rational point of view, while emotions and feelings are ignored as irrational. Such a person does not listen to himself, does not take into account feelings and desires. Own and surrounding people. Our whole life experience suggests that you do not need to take seriously an important part of yourself - your inner world. But it was precisely to him that one should listen.
Such throwing often causes a midlife crisis.
Sometimes parents begin to blame all troubles. After all, everything that later negatively affects our lives is formed up to six years - when the child is dependent on adults, and especially on his mother. As adults, we often make complaints to parents and just as often do not find a response to our pain, namely it is behind the reproaches. Ideally, a dialogue is needed in which mom and dad admit that they were not good enough for us and made a number of mistakes. And we, in turn, will accept their recognition and try to realize and understand why this happened. This is the beginning of the process of forgiveness - through recognition of the imperfection of the parents and their forgiveness, and the next step is the recognition of their imperfection.
Forgiveness is a deep experience that has a strong, transforming sound. Recognizing his weaknesses (accepting and forgiving himself!), A person realizes that he is imperfect, and, yes, in his life there were times when he was mistaken, acted badly. But now he has a choice: to behave as before, or, having made an effort on himself, to act differently is better.
Forgiving yourself is much more difficult than replacing forgiveness with a denial that evil is in us. It takes effort.
A situation in which one person acted badly with another, but did not repent, did not apologize, will inevitably cut their relationship. Sometimes it can take years to realize your guilt. If the first asked for forgiveness from the second, their reunion would be possible. Forgiveness is the only mechanism that allows us to restore human ties that have been broken in a conflict or quarrel, but it takes effort and courage to admit our mistake and obey others.
Harmony with oneself and with the world exists only in the reunion of man with others. It is impossible without forgiveness for those wrong actions that we all inevitably do, because we are people, and therefore, imperfect.
WHERE TO BEGIN
VIEW YOURSELF FROM THE SIDE
For example, a very envious person will be annoyed by the envy of others. But he is blind to this quality in himself. He condemns a friend for envying a more successful acquaintance. If you have traced in yourself the desire to condemn someone for well-defined character traits, then it is worth considering that this quality is to some extent inherent in you.
ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR PERFECTION
This step requires a lot of work on yourself. In this case, it can be comforting and inspiring that even Christ experienced moments of despair and weakness, for example, when, in the Garden of Gethsemane, anticipating the impending execution, he prayed to the Father for a bitter cup to pass through him. In this plea there is a very human hope for the best and a desire to avoid suffering and suffering.
OBEY BEFORE YOURSELF AND THOSE BEFORE WHO IS GUILTY
If you ask for forgiveness, then for the specific offenses that were committed. The abstract “they say, I'm sorry for everything”, as is often done, will not help us do work on ourselves and as a result become better. It is important that a person realizes that he has committed meanness against another, and then asked for forgiveness from him.
BUDDHISTS AND YOGI SEEK HARMONY IN BODY PRACTICES
Boris Falikov, orientalist, historian of religions, associate professor of the Center for the Study of Religion (RSUH):
East and West have different approaches to how to achieve inner harmony and eternal bliss. We use rational tools - psychology and psychoanalysis, step by step untangling the nodes of family history, trying to forgive and accept ourselves and our loved ones. Yogis and Buddhists also solve this problem, but in a complex way. They clear their consciousness of everyday worries, impulsive bursts of emotions with the help of body-oriented practices, doing asanas, learn to control their breathing. Oriental philosophers and yogis do not focus on details, but, moving towards lofty goals, they manage to solve completely human tasks, including forgiving themselves and others. From my experience of communication I can say that there are no neurotics and psychopaths among them, these are soft, compassionate people for which earthly existence is only a stage on the path of spiritual perfection.
The idea of forgiveness goes back to the Christian commandments: "Love your neighbor as yourself." Forgiving yourself - forgive others. But to correlate yourself and another, to evaluate your desires and ambitions with him is not easy.